It is early in the morning, too soon to be awake and doing such things. I am writing, and I am worrying about, well, writing. Failure seems so possible to me, and the insecurity I feel at this second could very well become damaging. I gained a lot of confidence this Summer in whatever abilities or sensibilities I had in terms of story and dialogue, but it is withering just a little bit. Granted there are incredibly untalented hacks that sell scripts. Somehow “Smiley Face” got made, and somewhere that writer is sniffing cocaine and burning thousands of dollars in real estate purchases. I know what I need to work on, but I’m afraid I won’t get that far. I’m afraid I won’t get better. I’m afraid I’ll be stuck living an existence where I cannot express myself or make money by typing on my computer in my “leisure pants.” A friend of mine, actually two friends of mine, have raging confidence in their writing abilities and futures, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t envious of them. I don’t want to be jealous, and I don’t want to fail. I also don’t want any pity, unless it’s accompanied by White Russians and snuggling. It's probably pointless to worry right now since I am ridiculously young and though that might be an odd adjective to use, it’s true. I probably should be more concerned with things like school as opposed to my possibly distant future. At least that’s what most everyone else thinks is the right thing to do. Well, I guess this is it for now. Thanks for reading. Hopefully you’re not as sleepless as me.
P.S. I am not depressed or anything like that. Everybody attacks their own esteem on a routine basis and it’s just that time of the season for me. I’m sure this will pass as soon as I get some recognition or praise I feel deserving of and/or the horror film I co-wrote gets DVD distribution. Principal photography is done and the edit is already underway. I expect a cut to be done within a month or two and from there.... we'll see I guess. I think there's a chance it could sell as it looks good and there is totes nudity now. Breasts = big selling points.
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White Russians he wants now!
ReplyDeleteI always forget what those actually are. Kuhala and milk and something, right? I'll leave that something very open-ended.
Heh, it's funny you write this today, because I was shaking with fear about presenting my play to my theatre class. I was totally convinced that the reading was going to end and everyone was going to just sit there, uncomfortably squirming in their chairs, not wanting to be the first person to shatter the awkward silence that the pure vileness of my writing had created.
It went pretty okay though. Some people threw around the word "love".
I think I need to add breasts to it. That would make for some great theatre.
Keeping busy though, huh?
Yeah being busy. I guess the editor backed out so I will be spending some time working on that as well. Milk, Kuhlua, and vodka? I think that's it. We'll have to abide.
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